A Poetic Mindset

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 10:29:52 GMT

THANKYOU FOR POSTING THIS, st_xjimmy

I CANNOT STOP SQUEEING <3

I think you'll like the fact I love this

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 22:28:55 GMT

So, I am in love with this song now.

so many grabby hands idk what to do...

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:12:20 GMT

So for quite a while I've wanted a new dress. Not just for the sake of having a dress but because I lack the glam in my wardrobe and could do with another. And possibly because I was watching All About Eve (great film) today and I remembered how much I love 50s fashion. Aside from the fur. Obviously.

So I've been having a trawl around the internet and have found a few beauties.

1.

This dress lives here.

The problems with this dress? It's £85. I do not have £85 to spend on a dress, even if it is beautiful. Sigh. I also do not have the cleavage to carry it off. And the straps are a little thin for me.

2.

I love this. Issue? £120. Ouch.

From the same website.

3.

If I ever win the lottery, I am buying most dresses off this site.

4.

Did I mention I want everything off that website?

5.

This is from this site.

It's £24.95 so less ouch! Than the other ones, but...I have a red dress similar to this already. Although it is super cute.

6. THIS dress I can't put up a picture of because the image I think runs through flash, so I can't save the image to host it. But this...*grabby hands* I think this is my biggest winner so far.

7. Also super cute.

8. a top. But still, buffting.

9. Another top

10. and another.

So yeah.

Thoughts?

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:46:41 GMT

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

need people to read the first draft of my novel

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 10:35:14 GMT

Since I started writing my book, pandagore and I have had a deal where she reads my novel at points along the way to see where it's going.

By November I hope to have finished my first draft of this beast. I plan to read through it, edit it, and then send it to two, maybe three friends to read.

What I would like from this is an honest review, and maybe some thoughts on structure/narrative content/language/mistakes/points for improvement. Please don't feel as though you have to say it's good if you think it's shit, etc.

Next month I'm going to send off a few chapters and a synopsis to different literary agents, so things will start properly then.

However I know how much you guys love books. Even if our tastes vary enormously, you all have quite a large range of literary interests, and this can only be beneficial to the writing process.

You would need to want to read it, be able to finish it in say, 2/3 months and have time to maybe e-mail me and let me know what you think (or we could do it over AIM or something.)

Two or three people would be awesome.

Thanks guys.

So many dreams, overshadowed

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 20:12:44 GMT

Sometimes I feel like a burden for many people; not because of my depression or my ever-changing state of mental health, but because of being simply a symbol of previous years. I was someone you travelled with, I was there on tours but now you don't know how to let me go, how to tell me I am no longer relevant to your life.

We are on different pages of perhaps different books, and I am no longer the person I was. None of us are. Focuses and ambitions change, our future landscapes flicker and go out, only to light a different path we hadn't previously considered. I am a username now, one that pops up on a friends list. Easily ignored. Not that I'm an angel in any of this; one, twice removed, months drifting and people become memories, tweets and status updates. Is this all we are to each other, now? Are those who can see each other the only ones to be retained in the same groups, old times not just relegated to memory but part of the landscape now? I'm alien to the concept of keeping in touch, a lifetime's worth of habit drilled into me by shifting tides of necessity, a youth of flashing faces that fade into a crowd of unknowns. Good ship Past, I do not remember your crew, but I am grateful for the journey.

Words pull and nudge me forward, but also hurt me. I guess the nursery rhyme taught me nothing but high expectations that cannot easily be met. Maybe I am regretting my inability to paddle in normality, maybe it has served me well. I fear this is a question life cannot answer until I have served more time living within the walls of years, shifting slowly from this timer that sits on a shelf not too far from yours.

What are we to each other? What will we be? Am I someone you still look upon fondly, or am I an irrelevance that nips at your heels, awaiting an answer? Will you, did you miss me? Have you ever missed me? Or has time made me seem grotesque, a person whose association you wish to shirk off?

Life offers complications I find mirrored in the words I write, characters of my own creation questioning me, unblinking. Terrified, I cannot answer, so I keep on writing, waiting for an epiphany of reason. Maybe I am not meant to find out. Maybe this is why we live so earnestly, waiting for the ultimate epiphany which will answer all.
I am still waiting.

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp.

Wed, 06 May 2009 22:06:28 GMT

Many of you may be aware that I am writing a novel.

I say this quite frequently, as every couple of years I go through a bluster of ideas, most of which end up suspended in an incomplete state on my hard drive, never to be touched, read or expanded again.

But sometimes, every couple of years, I find an idea working. And I stick with it. The idea this time has now comfortably moved into the category of "novel-in-process". The main focuses of the book, mental illness and the impact of music upon individuals, communities and friendships, are ones I know very well through personal experience or otherwise. (I promise you, the novel does not read as dire as it sounds. I simply do not wish to reveal too much, in case I 'curse' its creation.)

However, in order for this book to truly work I need to ask people who have similiar loyalities and love towards music. Most of my friends I have met through music. Even my friends from school I know through musical tastes. A lot of my newer friends I know via a musician who I became friends with after seeing 'his' band FAR too many times (not always directly on purpose, mind you- the band in question were once supporting at nearly every gig I went to, EVER, but I digress.)

Here is the question I want to ask of you.

There is one scene in the book where one of the main characters gives an account of the first time she heard a piece of music, and the impact it had upon her, which was immediate, enlightening, and in her case, life-changing.
I want to know how you would describe that moment of discovery, the songs that made you sit up and change direction, the ones that still get you, no matter how many times you have heard it. The songs that are essential to, or seem to document and outline your existence. The songs that have truly opened doors to friends and experiences. I know they exist in other people's lives, I know my experiences of the power of music are not isolated.

Don't worry about sounding cheesy, or ridiculous, or being amazingly eloquent. Any account or description would help enormously.

And if this ever gets published...I will thank you publically, hopefully within the book itself if I can.

Please either reply to this note, or if you feel too embarrassed or wish to remain anonymous, e-mail me at apoeticmindset@t-mobile-sidekick.co.uk.

And also...if you could tell me which songs they were, that would be amazing, and if you can think of songs that you feel people SHOULD know, that would also be incredible.

Thank you. I know it's a lot to ask but it would help more than you could imagine.

Much love xox

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 00:07:46 GMT

A blog I have been threatening to restart for a while is now up on blogspot!

Thinking In Subtitles

The first blog is obviously about Slumdog Millionaire. I would love it if people read it. No dice if you don't though, I don't mind too much :)

end-of-month-ly meme

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 22:08:28 GMT

MONTHLY MEME

In the last month, I have been...

Watching Slumdog Millionaire at the cinema (and nearly being snowed in, haha), Power Of Art...and Question Time. A life, I do not have one!

Listening to Natty. I am so obsessed with this album (Man Like I), I really can't stop listening to it. Also, Circa Survive and Thrice again. *squeaks* oh, how could I forget THURSDAY. New album soon, eek eek eeeeeek! I am legit dying of excitement. I haven't bought Leathermouth yet kids because no-one has it because the suppliers are cunts!

Reading House Lights by Leah Hager Cohen, which is a beautiful book, I thoroughly recommend it. I started House Of Leaves but was stalled because I was worried I couldn't give it the attention it deserves. I am STILL reading Moab Is My Washpot (Stephen Fry's autobiography) and I am nowhere near finished. This could be a record for me in how long it takes me to read something!

Lusting after still, the answer points to Lars Frederiksen. Also Riz Ahmed (sp?) of Dead Set, Frank Iero (again). Also, annoyingly, after I stop lusting after one mate, my brain decides it's a fabulous idea to make me fancy the pants off another one. My friends, they need to stop being attractive. AND WHERE IS MY GAY? Is it hiding?!

Attending the last ever Astoria show, which made me very sad. I grew up in and out of that venue effectively and I know for many other people it's the same. But despite the sadness of the occasion I saw a lot of people I love dearly (Charli, Emily, Natt, Jo, Frantastic I believe, Jas, Itch, Tommy...and a buttload of other people) and had a great time, so all in all it was a great goodbye to such a legendary venue...even if it's just going to be turned into PAVEMENT. URGH, don't get me started!

Avoiding people after a huge en-masse falling out at the start of the year. I think it's mostly okay now though.

Looking forward to moving back to London, hanging out with the people I've become friends with in the last year, spending more time around him (sigh, I hate having crushes on friends) and FINALLY going vegan. Acetastic!

Also glad the work dramallamas are over

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 19:53:04 GMT

LOL I just got stoned with my manager and my mate

Too fucking funny

it's that time of the month again!

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 19:24:06 GMT

...no, not that, you dirty fuckers!

THE MONTHLY MEME. Oh yes.

In the last month, I have been...

Watching Waltz With Bashir, which is an incredibly powerful film. I can't even begin to describe how essential this film is. Also, Monkey Dust, which was a super twisted animated show from the early part of this decade. Delightfully wrong, and so right for it. Also, SVU. I kinda love SVU. I've also been watching Big Train...we put it on at work and my face was aglow with delight at Simon Pegg, Catherine Tate and Mark Heap being generally amazing.

Listening to THE NEW Q TIP ALBUM, OMG, OMG. And Rancid, in anticipation of the tour. Seriously, I listened to Rancid so much that to some people it would be torturous. Not for me though :p

Reading this super weird book called Atmospheric Disturbances by Rivka Galchen. It's the first book in ages I've struggled with. I think it's all the meteorology lingo.

Lusting after hmmm, let me think...it starts with "Lars" and ends in "Frederiksen."

Hey, he's the one that kissed me :D again. LOLOL. I've had the most ridiculous crush on him since I was 12.

As regards BoyFace...I've given up on him like that. It's just...weird. His life, I cannot keep up with it.

Attending a buttload of gigs: Rancid mostly, King Blues, Housmans/Laura's, KB again, Dirty Rev... I miss the Rancid tour the most though.

Avoiding spending money, because I made myself very poor with all the Rancid stuff.

Looking forward to the Rancid tour. And seeing Jas& that crew, because I missed them loads! And hanging out with Kerrissey, because she's the best ever.

Also having a hard time and finally doing something about it. Eep.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 18:44:27 GMT

Hehehehehehehehe,
Emma is funny,
She likes cider nom nom nom.
She is loving the rancid london dates, and charl is amazing =]

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 19:33:58 GMT

Tbh I don't even know if anyone reads my journal anymore, but this is really important to me.

Some of you may have read me talking about Canvases For Cures. Some of you may know what it is, some of you don't; the crux of it is, I believe art and music can heal. I want to gain a wealth of artwork by artists, musicians, fans, which we will document in a book, as well as selling on to create a profit for three charities. We believe the NSPCC, Macmillan Cancer Support and Samaritans cover many things we want to help out with. Eventually, we will take on more cause and projects, but that's the main part of it.

We want it to benefit a lot of people without voices, people without hope, people who have lost something. We want to tackle the taboo behind these issues, create dialogues, nurture communities, all through the power of art and music.

Please join canvases4cures and add us on MySpace.

Thankyou guys, it really does mean the earth if you've already joined, and it would mean a lot if you did join :)

help me!

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 17:24:10 GMT

Icarus Ascending Apparel

Or

Icarus Ascending Clothing?

I want to have something for my clothing and modifying stuff...I've been looking at fabrics today to start making clothes and bags, stuff like that.

I need to make a myspace for it and an e-mail and I need a name, so help!

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 21:48:16 GMT

Please answer this anonymously. And be honest.

Me.

Would you go there?

Seriously.

X

anon post time!

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 22:36:15 GMT

if you could give me anything in the world, what would it be?

it doesn't have to be a gift as such, it can be a feeling, being in a place, reliving a memory, anything at all.

I'm trying to get some emotional fuel to feel happier. Last night helped a LOT.

it also helps I got paid about £800 more than I was expecting.

Which is nice.

if I owe you money let me know.

Teh endz.

ANONYMOUS POST TIME!

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 16:58:24 GMT

You're about to disappear off the face of the earth...

1. If you could say anything to me, and you could never say a word to me for the rest of our lives, what would you say?

2. What would you give me to help me out or help me remember you?

3. Recommend a book, band or movie I should see before I die.

4. Tell me somewhere I should visit before I die.

5. Tell me your favourite memory of our friendship, or something else that you treasure.

Anon or no I don't mind too much, I just thought this is kind of sweet.

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 02:15:26 GMT

This kid makes everything seem worthwhile.

never change, Frankie. The world is short of people like you.

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 15:49:05 GMT

I have 2 x Kerrang 1142, 2 x Kerrang 1151 and a Nylon Guys for sale.

They're on e-bay at the minute, starting bid £2.00 for the Kerrangs, and £3.50 for the Nylon Guys magazine.

Kerrang 1142: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=330175403923&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=014

Kerrang 1151: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=330175430626&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=014

Nylon Guys: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&rd=1&item=330175443745&ssPageName=STRK:MESE:IT&ih=014

I am also selling a My Chem shirt: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=330175447597

x posted

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 09:00:40 GMT

I feel so wrong.

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 07:57:53 GMT

I fucking hate this shit.
----------------------------

It's a simple enough statement, but that's only in terms of the very basics of language. When it comes to meaning, it starts to unravel at the slightest hint of analysis. Right now, the feeling of wanting to go someplace I can call home, i.e. feel comfortable, safe and assured of my belonging, is very, very strong.

But is there such a place? We have become so distanced from so many aspects of our animal selves that we no longer have places we solidly belong in terms of pure instinct. We learn to make our homes where we are brought up, and that's only regarding 'home' as a physical place, a term tied to familial ties rather than a spiritual feeling of belonging that we earnt through some method of soul searching.

One thing I have learnt on my travels is that my oft-lauded ability to "place my anchor anywhere and call it home" isn't always something to celebrate. Often, it's something that has required me to have a rather large emotional void.

People often think it's selfish to soul-search; narcissistic, self-concerned...the list progresses. Increasingly, the world seems more concerned with seeking fulfilment outside of what their own minds can offer them, shut off from the very nourishment that apparently makes us different from other species. On this trip, without my friends, without someone who was part of my spiritual nourishment, I find myself more and more inclined to face inward and say, under my breath, "hi, Emma Reardon. Who exactly are you?"

It's a good question, one that can only be answered with a barrage of multiplicities. I could list all of these, but then it's just a list of things impossible to define. Pacifist. Woman. Atheist. Spiritual. Feminist. Emotional. Educated. Wise. Naive. There's a lot about these labels that seem to work fine with each other; others seem to co-exist under the pretence of harmony. Because there's no such harmony within this body, nor this mind.

I guess all this sprouts from someone's comment on a previous journal entry, regarding someone who I care very much for.

"I think Frank has spoiled you for other men. I worry that if a good, great relationship is offered to you, you'll always be upset/hesitant/unwilling because it's not him."

There are several things about this statement that worries me. Firstly, I don't know who it is (which was one of the intentions of making a post asking people to comment anonymously), secondly, it disturbs me how someone can think one person could have destroyed my mind to that extent. What disturbs me even more is that I can understand how they can be worried enough to come to that point.

Crushes serve a certain purpose for me; to question the status I have been comfortable with for a long time, and also as a safety net. When I like someone like this, they are at a comfortable distance and I don't have to worry about ever having to face another side of this monster known as Me. Inside here, it is nothing but monstrous. Every corner has someone hidden behind I'd rather forget, or disregard; another face to my multiplicities.

But why am I so afraid of these things? Everyone has something they'd rather hide, but the question is, why do we hide these things? Of course, in the world of Facebook and MySpace, and the constant urge to spill out everything often leave us grasping for something to call our own, in our own headspace. But these things we often hide are things that have shaped us.

Self-harmer. Everyone knows about that.
Ex-alcoholic. Most people know this.
Clinically depressed. Check.
Suicidal.

Wait?

Yes, I am still the last; still battling everyday with that.

But the thing that is constant push-pull, right deep, in the thickest scar and the tissue beneath, is why I have to have a safety net. Not even a net, a cocoon, where I can try and hide from even the faintest calls asking me why.

I know part of it is to do with my raging feminism, which makes it sound like a disease. It's not, far from it. It's a constant nourishment, a wheel of daily epiphanies. I refuse to be a slave to a system that deems I should be with a man. Which leads me to point three regarding that statement; why should I, this self of mine, as incompletely fragmented and displaced as it is, be deemed suddenly unworthy of men, as if this is all I live for? To be loved by a man. By did this statement not include the possibility of women? Or is it because women love differently to men that I am not ruined for the love of a woman?

Whoever you are, anon, I'm sure you didn't mean to send me into a flurry of confusion.

I'll admit it; I care far more for Frank Anthony Thomas Iero more than I should do. His generousity, purity and passion have inspired me more than I could ever express; he's exactly my ideal type when it comes to appearance and personality and taste. I'll admit that. If the idea wasn't prepostorous, I'd say I was in love with the guy; but I'm not. I don't know him, and I know in a way, the person who I admire is only a representation through my experiences of him. This him I care for so much is not real; it's a fantasy. I engage with that fantasy through writing it out on another online journal; but I'm uncomfortable with this method of expression of desire, because it doesn't feel like it fits this mind. I am not the meet-marry-babies kind of person, and I never will be.

Why do I need to do this? Why do I create these narratives which are uncomfortable, restrictive and uncharacteristic?

Is this creating a home of emotion which I don't have to leave, like an emotional agoraphobic, letting the room get darker, skin get paler until I fade away? Or is that what the world wants me to believe? That I will fade without love?

On the other hand, how can someone who had made me feel better about myself possibly have "ruined" me in some way? He's so similar to me in a lot of ways, and I care for him so much, how can I hate myself?

I started so eloquently, and now I've lost my path.

I'm going to leave this open for anonymous comments for the time being, so if the person who wrote that comment wants to express their concern in a more ongoing fashion, they can.

Anonymous post.

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 05:03:23 GMT

If you could tell me anything at all, what would you tell me?

For good or bad, I don't care.

p.s. ANONYMOUS PLZ. Kind of ruins the point if you put your username.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 12:04:45 GMT

Got a call from work this morning. Asking if I still wanted to work Download. I guess I need the distraction.

I don't know what it is with My Chemical Romance and being in the country when I need them most. Granted, I probably won't get to see them, although I'm going to ask if I can have the backstage position just for Friday because of Jen. I'm sure a lot of you have seen my post in chemicalromance. Chem was something we shared, that meant a lot to both of us.

I'm still...lost. It feels like someone has torn the ground from beneath my feet. Where I cut yesterday burns but now I realise how pointless it is to hurt myself. I'd elevated cutting into this...solution for relieving the pain I feel under the skin. But I did it again and it didn't solve anything. Jen taught me to fight for survival, to claim the world as my own. I'm going to survive. I will.

She wrote me a letter a few months ago, preparing for the inevitable. Perhaps she knew the borrowed time she was living on was wearing too thin. Her friend Hannah who e-mailed me with the news said she'd put in some photos for me, so I have some to remember her by.

At least with Jen-Jen I knew she knew how much I loved her. I fought so hard to try and make that little time she had as special as possible. I learnt last night so many people abandoned her because they were too afraid of how much it would hurt to lose her. Of course it hurts. It burns. I've lost one of the most special people to ever enter my life. My favourite nerd, the best dork to walk this earth and squee over sci-fi slash fanfiction. She was my partner in anime crime.

How can anyone abandon their friend for something they can't help? She never chose to have this disease. She suffered so much. So many years of therapy, radiation treatment, surgery...to have to suffer that without friends isn't right. I tried my hardest to bring a smile to her face. The e-mails yesterday...the amount she talked about me, how proud she was of me, how glad she was to have me in her life. I was proud too, proud of having such a wonderful friend. Someone who convinced me to live. And here I am.

She called me her angel. She was convinced I will change the world "a million times for the better." She had such faith in me and she believed my presence in her life made her a better person. The amount of times she cried when talking to me, saying sorry she couldn't be there for my future.

Jen, you gave me a future. You gave me a reason to fight to live. You made me give up hurting myself, really and truly. You said if I stopped trying, you'd stop trying, so I fought and battled and struggled and I came out the other side.

If I give up now...I know how disappointed you'll be. It hurts so much to walk this earth knowing I'll never be able to hug you, or hold your hand. I will never get to sit and watch Trigun with you (I'll buy two tickets anyway when the movie comes out) but I can't give up, I can't stop fighting. Being strong is harder than people realise, holding my head up hurts when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry out, hoping you'll hear me. But I know you can hear me. I know you understand and I know how much you would have given to be with me and support me like we always supported each other.

There was always distance between us, Jen. Now the distance is just different. The space between heartbeats is where I'll find you, but you'll always be in my heart. You'll always be the reason why the beats follow on. I've lost so many people but I'll carry on for them, and you. You made me who I am and in your memory, I will carry on.

I won't let you down.

I will change the world.

With all my love, forever.

Sat, 26 May 2007 01:50:35 GMT

Random question that has been bugging me for a while. And btw I'm not attention seeking when I ask this question.

I'm 21, right? For most of my life- in fact, up until around this time last year- no-one ever really noticed me in a...well, no-one found me attractive. I kind of existed in this place where everyone knew that all that stuff had nadda to do with me. nothing at all.

But recently it's been weird. From an old school friend asking "how it is you got hot" and then trying it on later, to one person admitting she's obsessed with me. Where has all this come from all of a sudden?

I don't get it.

tonight @ wembley- Frank ill again. going home?

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 21:01:19 GMT

Frank isn't on stage for the encore tonight...

Gerard said something about him going home, because of how sick he is.

I'm on the barrier right now, just thought I'd let everyone know.